Chili-Con-Carne(ish) food-like-substance

Incredients:

1.5 - 2 tablespoons of honey
10 cloves (or so) of garlic (trust me, they'll vanish)
2-3 onions
2 red paprika's, or 1 red and 1 green, or the red, green & yellow bag - doesn't matter if there's 3...
250g of 100% rundvlees (minced beef)
6 pack of Palm beer (or 2)
800g beans (like 60 cents or so in AH)
A whole bunch of chili!
Butter
Cream (or creamcheese or sour cream or whatever)
Flour
Herbs and sh*t. Like parsley and basil and such. Maybe some soya thing if you like... I don't know, you are cooking, not me.
Minimum of 6 tomatoes
Peppermix of some sort or ground pepper... black's fine if you have no mix.
Sh*tload of Paprika powder (pikant or whatever)
That big mix of peas and carrots in a glass jar (like 600-800g also) - maybe 70 cents.
That blue box of champignons á 70 cents
Whole bottle of red wine (cheapest 2-3 euro bottle. 2 if you want.)

Buy the veggies from a market, rather than from a shop - it's cheaper. In this case you can leave the peas and carrots away and just buy few whole carrots - like 5 of them? and cut them into pieces.

Instruments:

5l pot
A Frying pan
A Spatula
Big friggin' knife
Blender
Piece of wood to cut things on top

NOTE: Do NOT add water to anything else, except the base of the sauce! Only wine, or beer if you run out of wine.

Groundwork:

Open a beer, take a sip.
Take your clock and hide it.
Take your measurement tools and hide them.

Measurements:

Tablespoon = tablespoon(ish) - make a small cup with your hand or something
A pinch = tiny bit
A glass = roughly 1-3 dl's of something - measured by eye

Peel the tomatos:

Cut the skin of the tomato in four. From the stem part down, until you reach the top again and then 90 decree angle from it.Put the tomatos in boiling water for few seconds - until the skin starts to peel a bit.Take a sip of the beer.Take the tomatoes off the water and peel them. Watch out, might be hot... you know... boiling water and all...Cut in tiny pieces and add into the pot.

(Optional) Peel the mushrooms:

The slippery, slimy skins on top of the champignons are easy to take off. It helps if you cut the stem off and add them to the pot.Now, keep the mushroom under a mildly running nicely warm water with the stem side up, and gently rub from top to bottom, rotating the mushroom in your hand. The water will help to peel the skin off little by little. If you don't like to peel them, don't - see if I care. Then just wipe them clean or wash them and continue: Cut the mushrooms in big chunks. Remember to take a sip of beer after every 3-4 mushrooms you peel. Add the mushrooms to the pot.

The sauce:

Open the wine and add like... a glass of it into the pot.Turn on the heat. As in, small heat - start slowly heating up the pot and the contents.

Cut the paprika in huge chunks and add to the pot.Take a sip of the beer.Open the bean can, pour out the water (we no want water here, only beer or wine), add to the pot.Same thing with the peas and carrots jar. Away with the water and to the pot!If you bought carrots from the market instead of the jar, cut them in pieces and add to the pot. D'uh...Mix the pot a bit.Put 5-6 cloves of garlic and the chilis in a blender and make a fine mix. Remember to take a sip from the beer.Add the mix into the pot as well.Add the rest of the garlic cloves in whole to the pot. (Of course peeled...) This is our clock.Take a sip of the beer.Cut the onions in chunks and add to ... guess where... yes! to the pot!Cutting onions makes one cry easily. Treat yourself with a big gulp of beer.Add some herbs, pepper and paprika powder in.

Put some heat on the frying pan and add some oil. (Yes, you can use the butter if you don't have oil. I know I didn't mention it in the incredients...) Fry the meat a bit on quite high heat. Hopefully there's still some red parts left when the liquid from the meat comes off. When the liquid comes off the meat, pour it away and continue frying, but add the honey and some pepper and paprika powder into it. When it's been frying there a bit, add some wine - not too much, but so it little bit boils there. Boil the wine off. Add a bit more and boil it off. A whole glass should be enough, but boil it as long as it becomes just meat again. (Dries up.) Take a sip of the beer. By the way, try a bit of this meat by itself. Nice innit? Fry it a bit too much, tiny bit too burnt. It adds taste to the sauce. Add the lot in to the pot.

Now just add some more wine into the sauce. Take a sip of the beer. Wait until it boils. (Should be boiling already slowly.)

Put the frying pan back to the fire and add butter. Like, a lot. And for the love of Pete, do NOT wash the pan in between. We want all of the taste of the meat. Add flour and make a paste out of the butter and flour. When the flour becames more brown (cooks) add some water. You can use the water we used to peel the tomatoes, if you have an extra pot where you peeled them. Boiling water preferrably so it boils immediately on the pan. Not too much water, we want a thick sauce from this. Stir until roughly all the lumps are gone and add to the pot. If it didn't become thick enough, take a sip of the beer and make another round of this - just put butter, flour and some water on the pan...

If you want to be lazy, you can use like those Chili Con Carne mixes or couple sauce mix bags instead. Then you don't need to add any water, just mix the Chili Con Carne mix in a glass with the wine and add that mix into the pot while stirring.

Add rest of the wine.

Take a sip of the beer, light a ciggie if you smoke and stir the sauce every few minutes. (Watch for the ashes. Keep the ciggie outside. It's chili con carne, not chili con ashes.) After like an hour or so add some cream or cream fresh or sour cream or cream cheese... After couple hours more the tomatoes have vanished completely and the garlic cloves have turned translucent. The sauce's ready. Serve with boiled potatoes or boiled rice or ... the heck do I know what you like...

If the sauce gets too thick during the cooking add some wine or beer into it and keep on boiling. Slow boiling all the way. Adding more liquid and boiling it down only makes it better. And when you heat it up tomorrow and add a bit of beer and boil it longer it's even more better.